Back in Black

I have to confess that I find all of the hubbub over "Black Friday" shopping to be somewhat insane. How good could the deals possibly be to justify crawling out of bed before sunrise and fighting crowds of people over a bunch of stuff that I probably don't need? It's just not appealing to me. I'd much rather do all my shopping online in my pajamas.

I saw an ad last night for Kohls where a happy suburban mom gleefully announced that the store would be opening at 3am for Black Friday shopping. 3am. Why would anyone get up that early to go shopping??? Do they shower you with gold coins an soon as you walk into the store? Is there a giant stack of free HD televisions? Unless you're a shopaholic insomniac, what could possibly be the draw?

I went to bed last night with all of this on my mind, and had a crazy vivid dream. I totally recognize that dreams are only interesting to the dreamer. There's nothing more boring than listening to someone go on and on about their weird dream-- It's what makes David Lynch movies so darn unbearable. Still, I can't resist sharing. Feel free to tune out.

In my dream, I woke up at 3am and had the uncontrollable urge to go Black Friday shopping. I hopped in the car and drove to Best Buy (which is already weird because I would *never* shop there in real life).

The store was all set up like a movie premiere... Searchlights, paparazzi, you name it. The line was one of those red-velvet-rope Disney-esque deals, and the queue stretched around the block. Fortunately, I found a secret way in at the back of the store where a pack of shoppers had pushed over a chain link fence like a pack of zombies in a Romero movie.

When I got in, the store was darkly lit, but basically the same as always. I had this overwhelming feeling of disappointment. Like, ...This is it? Tom Selleck was shopping in the aisle next to me, and he was really mean. I couldn't wait to get home and back to bed.

On my way out of the store, I got in an argument with a horrible woman that was elbowing shoppers out of the way to push her way to the DVDs. I tried to punch her, but totally whiffed my swing and missed her by a mile, just hitting air. I high-tailed it out of the store, and took a wrong turn. Suddenly, I was lost in some sort of vast industrial complex. There were warehouses and dark alleys everywhere. It was the dead of night, and I had absolutely no idea of how to get home. I wandered around, confused and panicked, until Roscoe finally jumped on the bed and woke me up.

So, yeah. Pretty clear, even in dreamland, how I feel about Black Friday.

And Tom Selleck, apparently.